Damnit, I just don't write! Part of the problem is that I want to write BEAUTIFULLY, but then I don't write at all. In addition, I want to write in some sort of chronological order, but that holds me back as well. SO, forget it. I'll just write what I want to write at the moment.
The past couple of weeks have been tough. Weirdly tough. It's all based on anxiety.
I am at that special point in the process-- almost finished "learning" all the films, and approaching the goal of being able to remember everything and run everything. It is also the point of perhaps realizing that this project is not possible the way I envisioned. I will have neither the memory nor the stamina to do it. With that in the back of my mind and permeating my soul, I am living in a state of anxiety which seems to manifest in a bum hip that makes it hard to stand and walk. (Not hard to dance, mind you, just stand and walk!) What this means is that I can rehearse, I can even take dance classes (I have taken two WHOLE dance classes each week for the past 2 weeks-- something I have not done in at least 5 years), but when I just need to WALK to rehearsal or class, or stand up in between running something, I'm in pain. Yep. I am so grateful to have a team of people who know my body and bodies in general, and even more importantly, the health insurance to see these people! It's nothing major like a hip that needs to be replaced, just muscles and tendons and TENSION.
To confirm this diagnosis, one has only to be with me at night when I am dreaming. I have so many anxiety dreams in every possible stereotypical direction: 1) the unprepared-for-the-performance dream 2) the can't-get-to-the-theater dream 3) the cannot-find-my-things-to-leave-the-house dream 4) the body-falling-apart-need-a-doctor dream. Yep. Fun fun fun!
My mantra for today is RELEASE AND SURRENDER. Release, especially. Let my muscles go. Try not to hold on to anything. Trust. Oh, and I've been virtually rehearsing here in a Starbucks, having looked at about 100 films already (people born in the 40's 50's and 60's) and run through them in my mind. This post is my break from that. At least I wrote something today. God knows no one is reading this, anyway.
Love to all.
The past couple of weeks have been tough. Weirdly tough. It's all based on anxiety.
I am at that special point in the process-- almost finished "learning" all the films, and approaching the goal of being able to remember everything and run everything. It is also the point of perhaps realizing that this project is not possible the way I envisioned. I will have neither the memory nor the stamina to do it. With that in the back of my mind and permeating my soul, I am living in a state of anxiety which seems to manifest in a bum hip that makes it hard to stand and walk. (Not hard to dance, mind you, just stand and walk!) What this means is that I can rehearse, I can even take dance classes (I have taken two WHOLE dance classes each week for the past 2 weeks-- something I have not done in at least 5 years), but when I just need to WALK to rehearsal or class, or stand up in between running something, I'm in pain. Yep. I am so grateful to have a team of people who know my body and bodies in general, and even more importantly, the health insurance to see these people! It's nothing major like a hip that needs to be replaced, just muscles and tendons and TENSION.
To confirm this diagnosis, one has only to be with me at night when I am dreaming. I have so many anxiety dreams in every possible stereotypical direction: 1) the unprepared-for-the-performance dream 2) the can't-get-to-the-theater dream 3) the cannot-find-my-things-to-leave-the-house dream 4) the body-falling-apart-need-a-doctor dream. Yep. Fun fun fun!
My mantra for today is RELEASE AND SURRENDER. Release, especially. Let my muscles go. Try not to hold on to anything. Trust. Oh, and I've been virtually rehearsing here in a Starbucks, having looked at about 100 films already (people born in the 40's 50's and 60's) and run through them in my mind. This post is my break from that. At least I wrote something today. God knows no one is reading this, anyway.
Love to all.